I was born with the gift, but I still had to learn how to use it appropriately, and I had to understand what it was. As a young person, in fact, until the age of 32, I didn’t even know I was psychic; I was taught that it was a mental illness, and to control it, or better still, stop doing it, but I couldn’t. It was a part of me, a part I believed over which I had no control, because I never knew when I was going to blurt out something about another person. And I was always so surprised when they would ask me how I knew, because I always believed I’d been told, but, of course, I hadn’t. Then, I’d feel guilty for knowing this secret information, and yet, I’d not done anything ‘wrong’. To move beyond it, I lied, saying whatever I felt would get me the acceptance I sought, and I’d always vow to not do it again, but, of course, I had no control over it, so it would happen whenever it wanted to, much to my embarrassment.Reflecting back on it now, I’d have to say this was karmic for me, because when I was in my early thirties, I was set up to meet other psychics who recognized my gift immediately. This validated my reality for the first time, and helped immeasurably with my low self-esteem, because I slowly began to trust that I was not mentally ill, just different, and in a good way, rather than in a bad way, as I had always believed. But, still, I have had to do a great deal of work to deepen my understanding of The Other Side, of how to use this gift appropriately and effectively for me, learning how to incorporate it into my daily life, and yet, not be judged by others as weird, or worse, working for Satan or the Devil. It has been a challenge.
But, when I began to seek to understand just exactly how my psychic abilities had developed, I realized that it was because of deep, and utter, despair. My psychic abilities developed when I sought God’s help for the first time, not knowing if He was ‘real’ or just a figment of religions’ imaginations. My first question to Him was, “Are You real and if so, can You prove it to me, because if You can’t, then I’m doomed, because I have no one else to whom I can turn for help, and I can’t continue to live like this.”
I had ‘met’ God as an 11-year-old child after my father raped me, and for the next 5 years my life was the best it had ever been, because I fully and completely believed that God had come to me that night as a Deep Male Authoritarian Voice. Then, at the age of 16, when I told my mother about my ‘new’ authority, and that I had been following His advice and taking all of His suggestions for the past five years, she convinced me that I was crazy, saying that God could not have come ‘just to me’. It was then she told me I had a mental illness, and sadly, I believed her, so I stopped listening to God’s voice and instead depended on Man for support, advice, counsel, and help. And, my life became unmanageable. But, it wasn’t until I was 29 years old that I realized it, and knew what I had to do to get back on my path. Then, it took another 3 years or so of pain and suffering before I was desperate enough to turn to God for help. The first time, He came to me; this time I had to seek Him out. I didn’t realize this was something that had to be earned through lots of pain and suffering.
Why? Because I didn’t understand that I sought to know God, because I was so tortured by my own ego’s negative judgments, and that it was through this process that my psychic skills evolved….developed….as an aside to learning how to surrender my personal will to God’s.
I felt broken mentally and emotionally, desiring respite from my misery, contemplating how to get it. Suicide I knew, from having tried it in past lives, was not an option; so this time I considered institutionalization because I believed I would be taken care of and that if someone else were to accept responsibility for my actions, make my decisions for me, I could begin to heal. I didn’t realize that it was my own ego, and its negative judgments, that was creating my misery, and that only by putting in the necessary time and effort to stop judging myself and others would I heal, and eventually feel better about myself. And I learned that I only got back what I put in.
It took me going to God four times, over a period of about seven years, in utter despair, utter helplessness, truly and genuinely requesting His help to comprehend the meaning of His single word reply: EGO. That’s all I’d receive – just this one word – and nothing else. After the word was spoken, there’d be a void that I could feel, and I’d know that whoever had said it had pulled their energy back, because I could no longer feel any connection to anyone or anything, whereas when I was begging God, or Spirit..ANYONE from The Other Side to come to my aid, I would feel connected to Something Greater Than Me.
And yet, each time I heard ‘ego’ as the cause of my despair, I also ‘knew beyond any shadow of a doubt’ that it was true. But, I had no idea what the word meant. I’d only heard of it in connection with Sigmund Freud and his work, but I’d never personally studied the ego itself. I didn’t even know where to find information about it that I would understand. This was pre-Internet, so all I had available were books that had to be purchased at bookstores. Even then, it still took me two or three books and about four to seven years of ‘one step forward – two steps back’, and many discussions with my husband about the ego and its manifestations before I had acquired enough knowledge about it to even begin to know how to correct my thinking..And then, it required all of my own will power to accomplish it. The process was slow. It took about two-three more years, practicing non-judgment, asking my husband to let me know each time he heard me judging, before I saw any noticeable changes in my life, based on judging myself, others and this world, less.
Now more than 30 years have elapsed, since my first contact with my personal God, and I still must continuously practice perseverance, discipline, strength, and courage as I seek to increase my faith and reduce my ego’s fears, doubts, guilt and shame. This has been and continues to be an on-going process – one thought at a time.
At some point in my journey, I realized that it was my ego, and its negative judgments that blocked my psychic abilities, because the ego/mind is much stronger than the Voice of Spirit in my head; and if Spirit is trying to communicate to me through one of the other senses, such as through a feeling, or a smell, it requires even more awareness from me. And to be aware I have to open minded, ready, willing and able to receive information that my ego might not like, or desire, or want to hear. And, because the ego is very, very strong, and extremely good at getting what it wants, developing psychic ability is challenging. Information coming from The Other Side, for me, is always vague, nebulous, ever so softly spoken. Sometimes it feels like a gentle breeze, or a feather moving along my body, if it is a feeling, and at best, it is a very, very softly heard voice in my head.
And it’s almost impossible to prove to a skeptic, because as soon as proof is required, the ego has the ability to create enough doubt in me so that I, too, begin to doubt that I am psychic. One ego triggers another.
Once you’re able to ‘hear’ Spirit’s voice, the second phase is to find the courage to act on the information you have received, or believed you have received, psychically. This requires you to ‘go out on a limb’ as Shirley MacLaine said in her book by this title. And this requires a LOT of Courage because you must be willing to face criticism from others. If there are no negative repercussions, or better still, if ‘it actually works out and improves your situation, then your confidence in both yourself and in Spirit is achieved, and you’re less fearful of trying again…although fear is still my constant companion, as is doubt, ready to take over as soon as I make a negative judgment about the incoming information.
And yet, I would never want to go back to living without my psychic gifts…never. Night after night I’d go to God to complain about how difficult it was…and all I could say was “Thank You for this opportunity to develop this incredible, wonderful, powerful and supportive gift. I will do whatever it takes to master my ego, so that I can improve my contact with You and Your Messengers in the Heaven World.” This is still my nightly prayer before I fall asleep, no matter how painful my day has been because my ego won another round….or several….Still, I feel blessed to have had to surrender my ego so that I could ease my pain and suffering, and in so doing, become the spiritual teacher I am because of it. Namaste, Rosemary Harrington